Tuesday, July 11, 2006

New and Improved

So I was driving around the other day and I got stuck behind this guy with a New Hampshire license plate. I had never seen one before. Apparently the state motto that they imprint on all their plates is, "Live Free or DIE." I guess New Hampshire is pretty hardcore... I had no idea. They probably left the original Hampshire because there were a bunch of freedom hating pussies living there. Which got me to thinking... I want to move way out past all the whorehouses and start my own town, call it New Vegas. It will be just like the old Vegas, only without all the tourists and degenerates... oh yeah, and no freedom hating pussies either. My only fear is that the trend is going to start catching on. Pretty soon someone will start a Newer York, or a San Diego Nuevo. When will it end? It's simply a matter of time before someone comes out with a New and Improved Vegas, now with Super Whoring Power.

I figured it's useless... I'd probably be better off just starting an entirely new country. I've always wanted to have a country named after myself, problem is, there already is a country named Chad somewhere in Central Africa. So now I can't name my own country after myself, because then all the other countries would think that I'm trying to copy the original Chad... and that's not cool. My country has got to be cool. So they really left me no other choice than to go and conquer their country. Yesterday, I went over there and met with the King, and guess what... his name's not Chad. Turns out that King Bumba (click click) Ungali Hali Ho was actually looking to sell the country anyway, so I guess that saved us all a lot of blood shed. Plus, I bought it for like twelve dollars and half a melted Snickers Bar. He even threw in a sweet pair of slippers made out of dead monkeys. It was a steal of a deal. Or so I thought... Turns out that it's hot as hell there, it smells like lion shit everywhere you go, there's no place for me to plug in my iPod, and they have rabid flies the size of pigeons. Plus, there's all these naked people just walking around doing whatever they want. I kept yelling at them all to get off my property, but they wouldn't listen to me. Who needs to deal with all that shit? Not me. Besides, the country is purple on the globe, and I think that's a tacky color. So I put the damn thing on eBay. The final bid was from some dumb ass kid that lives in Chatanooga. He keeps asking me how I'm going to ship it to him. Whatever... Fuck all this. I figure I'm just going to go start my own planet now.

Who's coming with me?


Blogger Adrienne said...

I can't seem to get anybody to read my sad blog, so I random click through others until I find one that made me laugh. Yours gave me quite the chuckle...

12:44 PM  

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