Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Are You a Go-Getter?

So I'm watching TV and I just saw a commercial for Cox Go-Getters (It's a program sponsored by the cable company that rewards children for good grades and acheivments.) There is an obvious joke that I could make right now, but I'm not going to... Cocks are funny. Kids are funny. But cocks and kids together is not funny... it's Catholic.

What really bugs me is that this was a commercial for the kids, telling them to keep "go-getting" and what-not, which is great, problem is... It's on at 3:45 in the morning on a Monday. What 4th grader is up this late to watch it? Certainly not the "go-getters." So to the people at the cable company... Put your fucking heads together an quit acting like a bunch of Cox.

That is all.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

New and Improved

So I was driving around the other day and I got stuck behind this guy with a New Hampshire license plate. I had never seen one before. Apparently the state motto that they imprint on all their plates is, "Live Free or DIE." I guess New Hampshire is pretty hardcore... I had no idea. They probably left the original Hampshire because there were a bunch of freedom hating pussies living there. Which got me to thinking... I want to move way out past all the whorehouses and start my own town, call it New Vegas. It will be just like the old Vegas, only without all the tourists and degenerates... oh yeah, and no freedom hating pussies either. My only fear is that the trend is going to start catching on. Pretty soon someone will start a Newer York, or a San Diego Nuevo. When will it end? It's simply a matter of time before someone comes out with a New and Improved Vegas, now with Super Whoring Power.

I figured it's useless... I'd probably be better off just starting an entirely new country. I've always wanted to have a country named after myself, problem is, there already is a country named Chad somewhere in Central Africa. So now I can't name my own country after myself, because then all the other countries would think that I'm trying to copy the original Chad... and that's not cool. My country has got to be cool. So they really left me no other choice than to go and conquer their country. Yesterday, I went over there and met with the King, and guess what... his name's not Chad. Turns out that King Bumba (click click) Ungali Hali Ho was actually looking to sell the country anyway, so I guess that saved us all a lot of blood shed. Plus, I bought it for like twelve dollars and half a melted Snickers Bar. He even threw in a sweet pair of slippers made out of dead monkeys. It was a steal of a deal. Or so I thought... Turns out that it's hot as hell there, it smells like lion shit everywhere you go, there's no place for me to plug in my iPod, and they have rabid flies the size of pigeons. Plus, there's all these naked people just walking around doing whatever they want. I kept yelling at them all to get off my property, but they wouldn't listen to me. Who needs to deal with all that shit? Not me. Besides, the country is purple on the globe, and I think that's a tacky color. So I put the damn thing on eBay. The final bid was from some dumb ass kid that lives in Chatanooga. He keeps asking me how I'm going to ship it to him. Whatever... Fuck all this. I figure I'm just going to go start my own planet now.

Who's coming with me?

Thanks Asshole

Did you ever notice how grocery store clerks always say "thank you" right as they're giving you your change? This creates a problem for me, because I always try to make a point of saying "thank you" as well. What will usually happen is that we both say it right at the same time, and then there's this awkward silence where we stare at each other like two biggest fucking idiots on the planet... Like we're trying to figure out which one of us owes the other one a Coke. Nobody ever says "you're welcome." Isn't that how it's supposed to go...

"Thank You."

"You're Welcome."

Really simple right? I suppose I could just make things easy on myself and say "you're welcome," but that just seems kind of snotty and fucked up. I make this 65 year old lady, that might as well be my Grandma, ring up all my shit, bag it, and then on top of it all, I make her thank me for letting her do it. Saying "you're welcome" would kind of be like saying, "Keep it up, and I'll let you bag my groceries any time you want... Plebian" And that's not my style.

If there's any cashiers reading this, take heed, because this is all your fucking fault. You don't need to say thank you. Wait for me to say "thank you" and then you can say "You're very welcome. Have a nice day" or some bullshit like that. See how pleasant that was? And if the customer doesn't have enough courtesy to thank you first, then you shouldn't have to say anything to their self absorbed ass either. They can just go get T-Boned by a petroleum truck on the way home. That'll melt their fucking Hagen Daz...